I don’t know why I decided to write on this particular topic. I suppose I just felt like it and probably because I understand how it feels. And because I was a victim.
I am Maimoonah Hassan, and I was a victim of self-harm.
It all started in the Xth grade. Continuous exam and peer pressure, and my declining health were the primary reasons I started to hurt myself.
The Strokes are a 5-piece American band consisting of Julian Casablancas (lead vocals), Nick Valensi (guitar, backing vocals), Albert Hammond, Jr. (guitar, backing vocals), Nikolai Fraiture (bass guitar) and Fabrizio Moretti (drums, percussion). Comedown Machine their latest album was released on 26th March, 2013 (a mere 2 years from their last release Angles).
It is a “soul record”, is what Karen O says about Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ fourth album, titled 'Mosquito'. To those of you who already considered turning away, take a look at the album cover. Now read on.
“A lone walker is both present and detached, more than an audience but less than a participant. Walking assuages or legitimizes this alienation.” ~Rebecca Solnit(Wanderlust: A History of Walking)
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As i sit here by my open window,the breeze caressing my cheeks,the moonlight falling across my keyboard,soothing instrumentals playing in my ears; i look over at the highway and the ever milling crowds. And i feel a vision complete.
I had imagined this before.
The romantic that I am, I had idly envisioned myself to be in the exact situation. “One day”,I thought,”one day,i’ll sit by a tall window,overlooking a very busy road,the moonlight will lighten up the wooden panels in my room.Big cities don’t usually have power cuts. But a girl can hope”. A girl did hope,and her hopes were answered.Now why would anyone wish for a blackout?! Here’s why.
When one lives in busy cities,she is never free of noise. The lights are always on somewhere,the cars are always honking,some tires always screech,and worse,if you live in a high rise,there are simply no trees. I’ve always been fond of nature. Before moving to this place,i lived in a relatively small town. I could go out at nights,sight on my porch and see the moonlight bounce off the porcelain, hear the wind in the trees,see darkness all around,and it was peaceful.And i loved it.
Here,my room overlooks a highway. Even when I shut the windows,I hear the cars. Even after I pull the drapes, a ray of neon light escapes through it, and proceeds to make weird shapes on the wall for my myopic eyes to catch. So when the lights went out, I grabbed the opportunity. Along with couple of other very angry residents, we rode the emergency lift down to the reception area,and demanded some explanation. Of course,those poor people had no satisfactory answers.They were busy trying to avoid calls from residents and scurrying away into the darkness.
I stepped away from the chaos and went outside. The whole society had been engulfed by the moonlight. It was beautiful. I took a walk around and observed the sweetest things. From some flat above came the voices of two kids demanding snacks. In other, a group of girls were singing their hearts-and their terrible vocal chords-away to some tune. Somewhere else,a family was heartily laughing to something. And in many other flats,i saw kids take their emergency flash lights and flash it onto the neighboring buildings. Something we used to do when we were kids and had power cuts. Sweet days when we used to be annoying.I walked on,worrying that I should’ve brought my headphones with me. Oh well. It was a cool 20 degrees(something Bombay’s many regions don’t experience),it was a tad windy,I was surrounded by trees, and I was at peace.
It’s been more than an hour now,and the electricity is yet to come back. I don’t think it will for another couple of hours. But I got my night walk after months and months. I got the quiet,the illusion of being shut down from the rest of the world for a few precious moments. So, I’m not complaining.
Just hoping they hurry up with the fixing. Oh,how big cities have spoiled me.
“But what if I make a mistake?’ Will asked.
Gilan threw back his head and laughed. ‘A mistake? One mistake? You should be so lucky. You’ll make dozens! I made four or five on my first day alone! Of course you’ll make mistakes. Just don’t make any of them twice. If you do mess things up, don’t try to hide it. Don’t try to rationalize it. Recognize it and admit it and learn from it. We never stop learning, none of us.”
― John Flanagan(Erak’s Ransom)
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So i made a mistake.A big one,actually. Remember how i told you all that i’d stopped being useless and secured myself another job?That didn’t last long.
Let’s recap how i got here in the first place. About 2 months ago, i was sitting 15 hours in front of my laptop,staring at my inbox(the rest of the hours were spent sleeping to avoid reality). Sitting and staring day in and day out,growing a paunch for the first time in my life. I watched the Grey’s Anatomy reruns all day long. It came 4 times. I watched Meredith Grey worry for 4 hours everyday(how exhausting and rich with indie music is her life?!). In fact, mad with joblessness, i had resorted to googling things like: what that beauty spot on my foot actually means,why my heart line is cris-crossed(i had to first google what the heart line was). Took tests and realized i’m right-brained, likely to have spotlight lovers as my best friends and may end up settling down in New Zealand.
And help arrived. In the form of a genie! This genie was apparently a very successful genie and needed a writer of sorts. See, he ran this genie business in one subcontinent but now he wanted to increase his reach to other countries as well. But genie also ran many other businesses(probably coaching other genies-to-be) and couldn’t do this on his own. So he asked for aid, and i appeared. I was to spread the word of this delightful service that he provided,write good words,converse with people from those countries,create a genie fan base. I was to update his genie website, tell others about why they needed his service,how it could do them good,what they’re missing out on, and how they could get on board with this genie service thing. Since,writing(ranting) is all i do, i thought why not? This will make sure i’m not lashing out at my family just because i couldn’t get anything. They’re not at fault. This’ll keep me busy for now. Yay.
It did.If anything, it kept my mind from going kaput. It gave me a purpose everyday. I need to get up by this time,and start the genie talking by this time,end it by this time,go to sleep by this time. I was happy that i wasn’t being a potato. No longer was i yelling at my family,no longer was i avoiding my friends. I was busy and happy. So where did it all go wrong?
No appointment letter. My genie boss never really acknowledged my presence formally. Whatever he needed,it was to be done in a hurry. And whatever i asked, went unanswered as he was in a hurry. After hurriedly hiring me on a genie telephonic conversation, the next day i was asked to do a 3-day job in 8 hours. I did. He was pleased,i was eager as i had something to do. Then he left for the foreign lands we were trying to attract. After he reached, his genie phone couldn’t be reached,neither could his genie email. But i didn’t worry. He’d be back soon. When he came back,again the phone calls resumed. “I need this tonight,that tomorrow”. Like the obedient employee,i complied. Oh,and pray tell where my appointment letter is? “It’s in the mail”. Right there is when i should’ve woken up my sleepy brain. Who does that? You hire someone and you provide them with at least an electronic semblance of a proof,if not the actual letterhead thing. But i willingly swallowed his lies because i saw what i wanted to see and believed what i wanted to believe.
I needed this to be legible. I needed him to be a good boss. I needed his excuses to be honest and true. But most of all, i needed this job. Why,you may ask? I’m applying for further studies the coming January, and any proof that my work got published would do me good. The requirement is necessary,actually. I was in a hurry and desperate,i saw a chance and took it. When i’d gotten into my previous job,the first thing i’d done was hound the HR idiots to send me an appointment letter. I had sense. Now,i was blinded by need,by urgency and didn’t cover the loopholes. Besides, the idiot that i am, i thought, “no way in hell can this genie be a cheat. he’s a 40yr old supernatural(or whatever genies are) and runs so many businesses. He told me so himself!” My my,am i a dolt or what. Or Taylor Swift silly. Or Debra Fucking Morgan blind when it comes to her own serial killer brother(though thank God that’s not the case now).
Anyway, i still kept working,true to my telephonic promise to him, Sir Genie. My mailbox gathered dust and no appointment letter arrived. One month passed and no salary was received. I was hesitant in admitting the truth. Partly because of the gravity of the situation and partly, because i thought it would be unprofessional to badger him with my incessant requests of solid appointment proof. He’s such a busy genie. So many wishes to fulfill, so many people to meet.
Right.
Today would be the third and final day when i called him up on his genie-hotline and he didn’t receive. Today would be the 10th day since I’d asked him about my salary and my letter. Today would be the 3rd day since i sent him my resignation. You see,since i’d promised him i’d work this month as well(i don’t go back on such things), i still update his genie page. Because i’m also hoping that all this would turn out to be a nightmare and he’d give me a letter and money. Even while typing these words i’m hoping he’d at least email, at least respond to my queries. So far,blank.
Now i don’t want to stop my updates on those pages.I’ve created them,put my thoughts into them,garnered a fan base and i quite like what i do. But, after getting counseled by almost everyone, i’ve decided that it has to stop. Some of my good friends were so supportive, they suggested holding those pages mortgaged until he gave me my due.Or hacking into his twitter account(what?genies are advanced,ok.). But the fault is mine, I have no proof. So, even annoying him serves no purpose. Besides, it’s not something i want to do at all.
So,here i am. Conned, and hopefully, with my edges sharpened. This annoying experience has made sure that in future, i’ll be careful. Besides, however meaningless all of this was, it kept me from going insane and gave my life some structure. Though the genie is a world class turd.
I’m back to getting up an emailing everyone and anyone i can with a hope that someone out there would take a chance on me(now that ABBA song is stuck in my head). Let’s hope that i keep jogging(le paunch has vanished,thanks to the huffing and puffing), and that the future experiences are not all this bitter. So maybe i’ll annoy you less, and annoy someone else more. And maybe even get legibly paid to do so. Until the next post
Oh,and the turd?I’ve done what all people of my generation do when they’re pissed at someone, i’ve blocked him. Know this,genie,i still wish you well. As Sergeant Doakes’ would put it eloquently,
“It’s easier to dismiss ghosts in the daylight.”
― Patricia Briggs(Dragon Bones)
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It was late at night,at around 3 am. I remember because i woke up with a start and checked my phone. My heart was thumping in a way that suggested i had run 3 kilometers. But i hadn’t. My eyes darted everywhere but saw nothing and everything.Damn you,myopia. And then i heard a distant door slam.
So i wasn’t wrong,i HAD heard something.Or someone.I almost stopped breathing,trying to hear anything else. The soft snores of my mom emanated from the room across the hall. I turned towards my sister’s side of the room and saw that nothing moved.She was sleeping too.Thinking it must’ve been my neighbor, i rolled over and fell asleep. Then i heard it again, another door slam. This time i sat up. Staring in the direction of my bedroom’s door, i wondered what or who it was. But,you need to know what the scene looked like,before you know what happened next.
My bed was near the door,the door was white.The walls were light-blue, and there were wardrobes between my bed and the door,so that i got a diagonal view of it. We had an orange night-light that sat near the door in a way that the light washed over the walls and partially,on the door.The door was kept ajar.So if you were to wake up in the middle of the night,you’d see that haunting glow highlighting the white door and infinite darkness right beyond.
So,i’m sitting up on my bed.My ears up and on the lookout for any more spooky noises,when all of a sudden,the white door shifts.I can make that out because of the orange light on it,and because the darkness increases in my view.Meaning the door was opened.Meaning someone was in the room,or had opened it and were standing on the other side.In my myopic view,the whiteness has decreased and the darkness has increased.I follow the contours of the straight white edge of the door when a black blurb obstructs it.
I freeze. That black blurb is round in shape and is at a height where a human head would be.A black circle of something or someone that’s now standing right in front of the white door, has moved into my vision.I get goosebumps. The blurb does not move,it stays at that height and in that position.Somehow,i can feel it staring right at me.Even though i’ve no idea if it has eyes. But i can still feel the stare.For the first time in my life, i know the meaning of the phrase “feel it in my bones”. Suddenly,the blurb gets bigger. Now that it definitely moved,i know i’m not imagining things. I go cold. My heart starts beating real fast and the goosebumps now feel like a permanent feature. Fearing the worst, i now do what people in horror movies are notorious for:call out a name.
Yeah,that moment.The moment that even i scoffed at,i now understood. I empathize with those fictional characters now,and support them whole-heartedly. People don’t call out a name to tell the ghost about their GPS location(although,it does draw the attention) but it’s a risk they’re willing to take because it’s their only hope.The hope that the name they just called? That person will be the one answering their call. That the blurb they see and can’t make out might somehow be the person they think-AND DESPERATELY HOPE-they are. Because that eliminates danger. Because that means there’s no ghost.Because that means they were being paranoid. They pin all of their desperate hopes on that one name and hope to God they’re not wrong.
So i called out my sister’s name.
After a painstakingly silent moment,the blurb replied,”yes?”
